


I'm Sorry

by ICannotUsername



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-22 13:09:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7440466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ICannotUsername/pseuds/ICannotUsername
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's suicide note.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I only ever write depressing shit.

Dear Phil,

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry for the pain that this will cause you. I’m sorry for the tears that you will shed. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, the depression, the darkness.

I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry enough to stop me doing this.

I care about you, Phil, I really do. I love you with all my heart and the last thing I would want to do would be hurt you.

But it’s not enough.

Nothing is ever enough to balance, to block out how I feel.

Life has become nothing but a series of events, so stupid, so utterly pointless that all I can do every day is lay in bed, praying that the end will come soon.

But the end never does come.

I love you, but even loving you doesn’t bring an end to how I feel. Even the hugs and the kisses aren’t enough. Even knowing how much this will hurt you could never stop me doing this.

Before I go though, I want you to know that this isn’t your fault.

You have done so much to help me, so much to keep me alive until this point, but it’s becoming torture.

Watching everyone else as they carry on their day without a care in the world, happy, oh-so happy to be alive – it’s closer to cruel than helping at this point.

And I know things get better. I know if I give things a chance everything will sort itself out and I’ll be happy, like everyone else, but how much more of this hell do I have to take before it gets to that point? How much more of this feeling do I have to take before I can be happy again?

I can’t take anymore, Phil. I can’t feel this way any longer.

It’s like all the life, all the energy I had is something of a fairy tale.

The more I see other people happy, the faker it seems. I can’t remember what it’s like to be happy, content, at peace, safe. It doesn’t seem real any more.

I wish I could stop feeling like this, I wish I could just be happy again, but I can’t.

I just can’t, Phil.

There’s so much I can’t do.

I really am a fail, aren’t I?

You are a little ray of sunshine. You bring light into everyone’s lives, you make people’s days better, you save people from suicide. You look after me, you make sure I’m okay, you put up with me when I’m in a mood. You take interest in what I’m doing, you make me coffee, you help me sleep at night.

You are truly amazing.

And then there’s me.

Compared to you, I am the epitome of despair. I am the well that doesn’t have water at the bottom. I’m an empty shell of a person – just waiting for death. I love you, but I don’t know how to show it. I don’t care about what you’re interested in, I don’t make you coffee, I drag you down. I keep you up, I complain, I lie.

I hate myself.

I hate how I treat you.

I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me too.

Especially after this.

You should hate me after this.

But regardless of whether you hate me or not, I love you, Phil. I love you so much it physically hurts when we’re apart. I love you to the point where I couldn’t survive without you.

You are my sunshine, my light, my only reason to live. You are my beacon in the night, my guide, my love. You, Phil, my lion, deserve so much more than me.

Please don’t ever give up like I have.

Please keep making the world beautiful.

Love, Dan.


End file.
